Blond locks. Blue eyes. Killer abs. Hot wife. Cute kids. Decent movies. Brad Pitt had everything already, why’d he have to go and take ownership of the mustache? Sure, it’s nice that the “Sexiest Man Alive” put the spotlight on the ‘stache months by growing a push broom during the filming of “Inglorious Basterds,” but prancing around as if he’s the first man to sprout some peach cobbler above his upper lip is disgraceful. Even worse, the actor has carved his craftsmanship into a goatee recently — just months after declaring he wanted to bring back the facial fuzz in full force. What gives, Mr. Pitt?

I’ll be damned if I’m going to let a Mustache-Come-Lately steal the thunder of such immortal mustachioed gods like Tom Skerritt, The Iron Sheik, and Mike Ditka (Someone get those three guys in a room together and see what happens). So I’m challenging Mr. Sexy to a “Stache-Off:” three rounds mano-e-mano “Zoolander” catwalk style — “duplicate and elaborate” — but without the smirks and tight pants (at least not on me). I propose three rounds of mustache fortitude. Winner keeps the ‘stache. Loser shaves it off for good.

First, we let our mustaches do the walking. In what I’d like call our “Vanity Smurf” round, the spotlight shines solely on our faces as we strut down the catwalk as we each marvel at our own facial goodness via a small mirror. I suggest a catchy tune here but not “I’m Too Sexy” from Right Said Fred. Way too clichéd. Perhaps mustache and Queen legend Freddie Mercury’s “Who Wants to Live Forever” or The Roots’ “The Seed 2.0” here — the latter especially fitting since Pitt has a lot of kids.

Round two could be the “Fight Club” portion of the event, where our mustaches try to overcome our fighting skills. We wouldn’t actually combat each other (Pitt could beat me at Candy Land never mind hand-to-hand combat), instead we’d separately reenact Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video and see whose ‘stache upstages the mediocre choreography. If John Mayer is available maybe he could perform the Eddie Van Halen solo during this round. The crowd would certainly enjoy it.

Last and certainly not least, the final round would be an homage to the “Oceans” series — specifically Carl Reiner. The two of us will go head-to-head for a grueling game of shuffleboard. Suggested theme for this segment? “Yeah!” from Usher of course, and yes, I mean the Ludacris remix.

That’s it. All we need is you to say yes, Brad. Judges and a host would be nice. Any takers? Let’s get it on. It’ll be the longest mustache ride ever.

I Challenge Brad Pitt to a Mustache Duel

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